not quite Superwoman...

I'm sure we all can remember Karen White's song: Superwoman. Just sitting here, I can envision myself with the brush or pot spoon or whatever I could substitute as a microphone and singing to the top of my lungs while twisting and snapping my neck (for attitude):

"I'm not your superwoman...oh no no no no. I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everythings OK. boy I am only human..."

OK so you get the point. :) I thoroughly enjoyed that song and now I'm referencing it at a very low point in my life. No, my husband isn't taking me for granted...in fact, no one is.

Ashamedly, I am taking "me" for granted. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense...But somehow in my head, I thought that I could handle it all. I got stuck on this very messed up thought that I actually do have a big "S" on my chest and my shoulders are made of steel and although I feel emotion (I acknowledge that), I'm still invincible. I'm strong. I'm woman!

well honestly, deep inside I knew that was fraudulent but that's how I wanted the world to see me (and that includes hubby).

well its all crashing down...I can't hold it together, I can't fake "its okay", my shoulders hurt and they are weak and tired and my "S" is faded.

I'm sure this is all the emotional wear and tear of everything that is going on but its quite unnerving. I'm seriously feeling like a wuss...out of control and I hate this!!! ugh.

I'm lonely. I'm scared. and I just wanna go home.

Grad school is all that I expected and more. Honestly, I can handle it...the work load is doable with good planning and time management but I don't think I can do it alone and that's all I feel right now. ALONE. I know its only been 5 days since my husband left but I don't remember another set of 5 days that's been this rough in my adult life. Sure I remember the first time being in the dorm in undergrad after my parents left and how that felt and then 2 years later moving to another state for masters program and being in the house with a stranger and how that felt. Both scenarios held a degree of loneliness and uncertainty about the future but I remember being able to shake that off within a matter of days (if not by the next day).

yes, yes...I know this too shall pass...but maybe its not supposed to pass. Should I have to tackle such a huge project alone? Isn't that why people get married, so they don't have to tackle life's challenges without a partner? How much time should I give this current arrangement before declaring an end...and going back home? will I feel differently after another week alone or maybe a month? Will I get used to not being with the man that I've pledged my heart, soul and body to? Do I want to get used to not being with him? I can deal with a week, a month..but the uncertainty of it all is killing me.

background: Before D left, we had a conversation about this arrangement, since I already started panicking and freaking out...and I was told that I need to get it together because he isn't planning on transitioning here for another 2 years. Do I really have to look forward to two years of physical separation by choice? It certainly was my choice to pursue this doctorate, my dream...not his. so should I just say 'screw it' and head back?

maybe I'm being dramatic..and I hope so. I hope this is a phase...

and no this is NOT a pity party. I don't like those. :) this is just me needing to vent. to get this off my chest...to 'think' aloud. so no need to feel pity for me. I will be OK. I've got a choice to make: stay here and thug it out or go back home. Neither decision better than the next...but in the meantime I acknowledge that God is constantly with me (even in the dark moments) and He is my strength, my peace, my joy. I just need to continue to lean on Him and draw from Him.

I don't know what I'm going to do...well, I do. Here's the plan: I'm definitely here until I complete at least one semester. I know time will heal some of the pain that the loneliness bring and also change in situations will help with the other issues. eg. getting a car will allow me more freedom to move about and socialize, get involved with a church, hang with classmates....have something more than a laptop, t.v. and stationary bike to look forward to 5 days out of the week!

So everyday, I just plan to take it as it comes. yesterday was too tough to handle the entire day, so I took it hour by hour. today was better...I could handle the entire day although the thought of another day alone (tomorrow) makes me depressed again. :shudders: So I've just made 'fun' points throughout my day today that I looked forward to and now I've gatta finish reading within the next hour. my last "treat" for today is a cheesy movie that comes on at 9pm.

smooches!