This lesson began a couple weeks ago (see here) and as the season of famine has continued, I have seen greater lessons for me. Nothing new or earth shattering mind you, simple truths I know but of course were challenged with life and my struggle to not only know of them (truth) but to live it!
Quick review: Earlier in this year, I was in abundance...full-time-student kind of abundance. I juggled 3 jobs and full time school (research, reading and writing) from January to about August and the cumulative pay was enough to cover all my expenses and then some...
End result: I was very proud of my savings. Not that I was boasting to anyone about it..no one really knew it existed but in my heart, I'd somehow (as I shared here) transferred my dependence from God to my savings.
Well as I shared a couple weeks ago, the savings had started to dwindle. What I didn't share was that was just one savings. (insert embarrassed face here). Yup. There was a back up savings to the savings...(I'm a girl-isn't there always?) And now that the savings is gone, the back up savings has dwindlied and once again, I felt the pinch (more like onslaught) of anxiety. It's crazy since I just went through this....
So yes, the lesson last time was that I had shifted my dependence and forgot WHO was my source. This time though, I recognized that the anxiety wasn't so much the fear that God wasn't providing (or wouldn't provide)....
I KNOW that God always comes through for me. Sometimes its really tight deadlines but nonetheless He comes through. ALWAYS. So in my quiet time, I tried to gain understanding that if I really do know and believe that He will come through...why am I still getting all bent out of shape....and there the realization slapped me in the face....I recognized the unspoken question that I was entertaining [subconsciously]:
What happens when it all runs out?
Of course the "it" here is not my meager, barely-hitting-4figures-savings...
The IT here is God's provision.
The continued lesson to this is a revelation of my own trust issues. ouch. [Now you understand why this is very hard to share]. I'm a Christian. I LOVE Jesus. I believe. But oh there is still some shaky ground to how I TRUST Him...more accurately, how much I trust His character, who He says He is.
Head knowledge dictates: He's the God of the Universe. His provision is the very air I breathe. So clearly it can't run out...but that doesn't stop the broken, scarred little person inside of me from questioning whether or not this is really true. :sigh:
The cool thing as I wrote and reflect, is that this is what these lessons are about. Uncovering the holes and inconsistencies in my relationship with God and (re)surrendering my heart so that the relationship can be taken to another level.
I'm riding this out as I type...and I do not know what else this soul-searching will reveal but I'm here and I'm continuing on in the course. Rolling with the punches and extra careful to glean the lessons and whenever possible, share them with you. Humbly.
Grace peace and love,
Gia
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