Remaining focused Part II

If you remember from last week, my main work instrument as a full time grad student was giving me problems.

I'm reporting now from my brand new MacBook Pro. Yup...your girl got an early Christmas present (thanks Babes! and thank you Jesus!).

However, amidst the praise report (see here), there were other factors at play that I missed.  Without going into the gory details, lets just say, I thought that this computer was all about me. You know, its MY dissertation that needed to be proposed, conducted and defended. It's MY Ph.D that is on the line. It's MY primary means to get this stuff done. That is actually what I said in defense of my behavior as I was being pretty stubborn in a discussion with hubby and this was causing some discord between us.

In my time of being so focused on trusting God for one situation, I forget about other things...you know, that there is an enemy whose mission is to kill, steal and destroy.  So while I was having some "victory" in one aspect of this situation, my guard was down and I was oblivious to the other forms of attack.  If my roommate and I didn't have the talk that we did, I can now see how a very simple situation could have grown and created a rift. Side note: It is always amazing how that happens in relationships. It takes so long to build a strong one, but in seconds it could be punctured leaving the wounded open to hurt, mistrust, unforgiveness, resentment...yes the list goes on and on.

The conversation was definitely a reminder to stay focused....as I said last week, to focus on our Father who is provider, protector, sustainer...anything you need Him to be.  In addition, I needed to be aware (not necessarily focused), that there is a real enemy with a plan for our life too (1 Peter 5:8-9).

I'm not one to go on about "the enemy" and all that, not because I don't believe that we have an enemy but I would much prefer to talk about what God is doing and what He has promised me when the enemy sets himself to attack (Isaiah 59:19; John 10:10; Ephesians 6:10-18; Revelation 12:11).

So today, as a part of my "overcoming", I have shared my testimony (Revelation 12:11). ;)

Take home message: Be alert and particularly careful about your relationships- these are the core of the human experience. Too easily and too often, we allow our conversation or actions to cause small holes in the most important relationships. Unfortunately, it is much easier to make a hole bigger than it is to close it up.

Grace peace and love,
Gia

...in abundance and in famine

This post is somewhat of a part two and this was much harder than most because I'm being totally vulnerable here.

This lesson began a couple weeks ago (see here) and as the season of famine has continued, I have seen greater lessons for me. Nothing new or earth shattering mind you, simple truths I know but of course were challenged with life and my struggle to not only know of them (truth) but to live it!

Quick review: Earlier in this year, I was in abundance...full-time-student kind of abundance. I juggled 3 jobs and full time school (research, reading and writing) from January to about August and the cumulative pay was enough to cover all my expenses and then some...

End result: I was very proud of my savings. Not that I was boasting to anyone about it..no one really knew it existed but in my heart, I'd somehow (as I shared here) transferred my dependence from God to my savings.

Well as I shared a couple weeks ago, the savings had started to dwindle. What I didn't share was that was just one savings. (insert embarrassed face here). Yup. There was a back up savings to the savings...(I'm a girl-isn't there always?) And now that the savings is gone, the back up savings has dwindlied and once again, I felt the pinch (more like onslaught) of anxiety. It's crazy since I just went through this....

So yes, the lesson last time was that I had shifted my dependence and forgot WHO was my source. This time though, I recognized that the anxiety wasn't so much the fear that God wasn't providing (or wouldn't provide)....

I KNOW that God always comes through for me. Sometimes its really tight deadlines but nonetheless He comes through. ALWAYS. So in my quiet time, I tried to gain understanding that if I really do know and believe that He will come through...why am I still getting all bent out of shape....and there the realization slapped me in the face....I recognized the unspoken question that I was entertaining [subconsciously]:

What happens when it all runs out? 

Of course the "it" here is not my meager, barely-hitting-4figures-savings...

The IT here is God's provision. 

The continued lesson to this is a revelation of my own trust issues. ouch. [Now you understand why this is very hard to share]. I'm a Christian. I LOVE Jesus. I believe. But oh there is still some shaky ground to how I TRUST Him...more accurately, how much I trust His character, who He says He is.

Head knowledge dictates: He's the God of the Universe. His provision is the very air I breathe. So clearly it can't run out...but that doesn't stop the broken, scarred little person inside of me from questioning whether or not this is really true. :sigh:  

The cool thing as I wrote and reflect, is that this is what these lessons are about. Uncovering the holes and inconsistencies in my relationship with God and (re)surrendering my heart so that the relationship can be taken to another level.

I'm riding this out as I type...and I do not know what else this soul-searching will reveal but I'm here and I'm continuing on in the course. Rolling with the punches and extra careful to glean the lessons and whenever possible, share them with you. Humbly.

Grace peace and love,

Gia

Lessons from Ari: accidents will happen

After a very exciting photo shoot for It's Girl Time a couple weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night to walk in a little puddle. My immediate thought as I looked down into the cutest face ever was eeeew and Ugh at the same time. Ari had whined to leave the room but hadn't rang the bell, but still here I was standing, in now, that I could see, a puddle of yellow pee. This is TOTALLY unlike him...but in retrospect he had a pretty exciting day.


Because my husband was going with me to the photo shoot, we decided to make it an outing with Ari since two of the girls absolutely love him and another had yet to meet him (she now loves him too). The thing with Ari is that he has a very low tolerance for activity. A 5 minute walk and he's pooped. Five minutes with an excited 6 year old kid who is reminiscent of Elmyra and he's even more pooped.

So imagine him after 2 hours with 4 kids (and a couple adults) who were vying for his attention at various points. By the time we got to the car, he just looked "done". He had water then and then he drank another ton of water over the evening. Of course, we aren't idiots, we took him out to pee twice that evening but true to my husband's concerns, he actually did have too much water. Although, what could we have done? withhold water from the pooped pup? nope! That's inhumane.

So as I stood in the pee, I had a couple choices and I chose to NOT scream at the dog. For a number of reasons:
1. I heard the vet's voice in my head admonishing us that if we did not catch him in the act, that screaming or punishing him afterward would mean NOTHING. He doesn't have a brain like humans so there is no 2 + 2, if the moment had already passed.
2. It was 2 am and my husband was sleeping.
3. I got it. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Accidents happen right?

As I grabbed a ton of Lysol wipes and got on my hands and feet to make the puddle disappear, I thought about my own "maturity" in the situation. I am not usually this level-headed, especially not at 2am and would have still given a stern word to the clueless pup just to "vent". But no venting was necessary. Sure I was tired. Sure I was disappointed. But on some level, I just thought "accidents will happen".

Isn't our perfect heavenly Father just like that? Doesn't He extend us mercy and forgiveness and because of Jesus, none of us (who chooses Him), will get what we truly deserve? mmmmmm

But how does this play out in my day-to-day with other humans? Like my responses with Ari in times past, I've had moments of great impatience and judgement. Unfortunately, these happen most often with the one who is closest..my husband. I am usually able to restrain myself and extend mercy with the stranger, with the coworker and even times with the friend but not so much with hubby. Of course, before hubby, it was my siblings. The thing is I've got as much of a duty, well privilege to be patient and kind with those I live with as much as I should with the stranger.  I've got to learn to extend mercy; this is different from being taken advantage of but I think sometimes we can get too quick to judge, condemn or "show someone their error".

Patience is a virtue as the saying goes, but it is also a fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Just as our Father is patient and merciful toward us, we should be with others...this includes those closest to you (spouse, significant other, child, parent or siblings) and the stranger, as well as the pet! ;)

A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. (Proverbs 15:18)

Grace peace love (and patience),
Gia

Come to the fountain

Monday was a hard day. Not because of any one event...but it seemed it was just the cross-section of a lot of "stuff".  It was somewhat of that overwhelmedness that I talked about a couple weeks ago in this post. The funny thing is, when you are tired, weak, broken...then everything becomes a big deal. For example, the fact that my pants was tight around my waist was thoroughly annoying all day and somehow I started on a "I'm fat and out of shape" cry. Without going through every item that seemed to weigh in on my consciousness, just know that the list I referenced  is almost 80% done, which is a great sign of progress, but as is with life, and sometimes my personality, the list just never ends.

By the end of the day, I had nothing left. I was near tears driving in the car with my husband and realized that I did not want to get to that ugly place. I went home and decided to not do anything...that required any consciousness. So I watched tv all afternoon. Had a fairly okay evening just doing nothing and then woke up with yesterday morning, a bit more rested, with this song on my mind.

I decided to have quiet time a bit differently yesterday morning and just played this song (repeatedly) and surrendered the day and all it entails to God.  This was my way to gain "control" of my day. I decided that it was not going to mimick the previous day even though the same list of to-do's remain with even closer deadlines. As I sat with my eyes closed, the scene from the previous night's series premier of The Closer came to me. A teen was accosted at knife point by a very sick serial rapist/killer and he was instructed by the star (Kyra Sedgwick's character) to not struggle. To not move. To allow his body to go limp. Now this kid was quite familiar with this movement due to some unfortunate life circumstances but in that action of complete surrender, he was able to sliver out of the grasp of the one who threatened his life. I thought about how this can be so applicable to my situation. The more I toss and turn, the less rest and peace I'll experience. God invites me (us) to just find our rest in His arms. When we feel life's concerns overwhelming us, we should allow our body, and more importantly, our consciousness, to go limp in surrender to God.  Allow Him to come into the circumstance and just drink from the streams of life and be refreshed.

"All who are thirsty

All who are weak

Come to the fountain

Dip your heart in the stream of life

Let the pain and the sorrow

Be washed away

In the waves of his mercy

As deep cries out to deep (we sing)"

Come to the fountain, I'm already there! Psalm 42

Grace peace and love,
Gia