...in abundance and in famine

This post is somewhat of a part two and this was much harder than most because I'm being totally vulnerable here.

This lesson began a couple weeks ago (see here) and as the season of famine has continued, I have seen greater lessons for me. Nothing new or earth shattering mind you, simple truths I know but of course were challenged with life and my struggle to not only know of them (truth) but to live it!

Quick review: Earlier in this year, I was in abundance...full-time-student kind of abundance. I juggled 3 jobs and full time school (research, reading and writing) from January to about August and the cumulative pay was enough to cover all my expenses and then some...

End result: I was very proud of my savings. Not that I was boasting to anyone about it..no one really knew it existed but in my heart, I'd somehow (as I shared here) transferred my dependence from God to my savings.

Well as I shared a couple weeks ago, the savings had started to dwindle. What I didn't share was that was just one savings. (insert embarrassed face here). Yup. There was a back up savings to the savings...(I'm a girl-isn't there always?) And now that the savings is gone, the back up savings has dwindlied and once again, I felt the pinch (more like onslaught) of anxiety. It's crazy since I just went through this....

So yes, the lesson last time was that I had shifted my dependence and forgot WHO was my source. This time though, I recognized that the anxiety wasn't so much the fear that God wasn't providing (or wouldn't provide)....

I KNOW that God always comes through for me. Sometimes its really tight deadlines but nonetheless He comes through. ALWAYS. So in my quiet time, I tried to gain understanding that if I really do know and believe that He will come through...why am I still getting all bent out of shape....and there the realization slapped me in the face....I recognized the unspoken question that I was entertaining [subconsciously]:

What happens when it all runs out? 

Of course the "it" here is not my meager, barely-hitting-4figures-savings...

The IT here is God's provision. 

The continued lesson to this is a revelation of my own trust issues. ouch. [Now you understand why this is very hard to share]. I'm a Christian. I LOVE Jesus. I believe. But oh there is still some shaky ground to how I TRUST Him...more accurately, how much I trust His character, who He says He is.

Head knowledge dictates: He's the God of the Universe. His provision is the very air I breathe. So clearly it can't run out...but that doesn't stop the broken, scarred little person inside of me from questioning whether or not this is really true. :sigh:  

The cool thing as I wrote and reflect, is that this is what these lessons are about. Uncovering the holes and inconsistencies in my relationship with God and (re)surrendering my heart so that the relationship can be taken to another level.

I'm riding this out as I type...and I do not know what else this soul-searching will reveal but I'm here and I'm continuing on in the course. Rolling with the punches and extra careful to glean the lessons and whenever possible, share them with you. Humbly.

Grace peace and love,

Gia

Provision

I want to briefly share this past week's experience with provision. I've talked enough about it, that you know I spent a week in Guyana and it really was not a cheap trip. I gave up some things and intentionally took a summer job just to be able to carry my own weight on the trip.

Well before that trip, I had a couple of jobs and life was good. I was living comfortably and creating a lovely savings for myself. What I didn't know was that God was setting me up for this season. So upon my return to Canada, which has really been less than 2 weeks, I've watched a fairly healthy savings (think full time student savings..not full time fancy profession savings :) ) just drizzle down to virtually nothing. It's not only basic needs but now my car is sucking the very life out of my financial existence.  Ironically, I now live 1 hour from school so a healthy, properly functioning car is not only a luxury but a NEED.

I began to get very sad...somehow I had begun to transfer my faith from God as my source, to the savings account as my source. After realizing this mistake, and getting things back in line, things took a completely different perspective. I began to really see how God was not only using my almost-depleted savings to help ensure my needs were covered but also other ways too.

I recall one particular day last week when the mechanic not only found me two slightly used tires for $90 (I was looking at $250 otherwise) but he also offered to fix my muffler ($500 job) on credit with the arrangement that I pay him in installments. Additionally, he went and fixed my hubcap on his own--glued it on so it didn't fall off on one of my journeys back and forth from school to home...

I need ya'll to know that I visit this particular auto shop, maybe once-twice a year and I don't know him from Adam. He does remember me and my husband from bringing the car over the past 3 years but somehow God has touched this man's heart to favour me so that I can be safe.

That same evening, I wanted to go to the grocery store but was tired and opted not to. Came home, checked the account, it was down to $20 so thought..hmm happy I was tired...I would have been sooo embarrassed if the debit transaction was declined. The thought crossed my mind about what would happen for food for the next couple days but I didn't worry about it.

A couple hours later, my roommie comes home with platters of food. SERIOUSLY. Platters. We definitely had enough food to keep us through the weekend and maybe even into early the following week if we creatively combined pieces to make meals.

Did I mention that this was the same day, hubby texted me that the scholarship cheque was ready? Praise Dance. Scholarship cheque means that every 2 weeks, I can get a couple dollars for the gas and food bill. This won't kick in until October but I'm not worried about the days in between. Praise Dance



It is all about where your eyes are focused. I could have easily missed these many instances of favour had I been all consumed with what was in my bank account..but re-fixing my eyes to Jesus who is the one who began and completes this faith journey, I am on....gave me a completely different outcome.

How has/is God provided(ing) in times of "lack"?


Grace peace and love,
Gia