I'm alive

......JUST BARELY!

:)

All is well...all is cold...I'm pooped.

here I am all dolled up for the wedding last week...I included close ups of the hair styled (kinky twists).

Now I've accessorized and on my way to the wedding!

pray for me....one more week of classes and three papers/assignments due!

smooches!

Boogie Woogie Monday

myflowerclipart.com

I swear, I'm about to burst with excitement!

In a matter of days...well I usually count the nights I'm in this lonely house (2 more nights)...I'll be with my family and friends and of course with Handsome!!!

I'm honored and privileged to be heading home this Thanksgiving weekend to be a support for my friend on her wedding day! Of course, the wonderfullness (yes my word) is I get to see everyone from family, church family, coworkers...

mmmm so nice. Now if I can only contain this excitement to make it through the next two days of classes...

Happy Monday!

Oh! thought for today:

It is the simplest joys that can bring the Heart it’s sweetest pleasures.

Let's reflect on those simple joys...on how blessed we are regardless of the situation!



smooches!

BIGFOOT

OK. so not quite...but how can something that provides such warmth, comfort and just pleasure make my feet look so ugly????????

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LOL.

quite random...yes I know but I bought these boots on a whim, partly because I was seeking for something comfortable and warm (not necessarily stylish) and of course, inexpensive! these were about $15 bucks on ebay and shipping to Canada was another $10ish so that ended up being very reasonable...especially considering most online stores want me to pay more than $20 for shipping to Canada. so not cool.

I won't be giving these babies up anytime soon, even though they make my feet look like its the size of Shaquille O'Neil. My friend and I were giggling uncontrollably because her first response after cooing over how comfy they were- was "BigFoot"!!!

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Note: these are NOT UGGS. These are a very cheaply made imitation and I've already seen where the bottom is wearing off quickly. I dont' know what's going to be left and how long its going to last, but I won't be too hurt if they don't last past this winter...it will give me an incentive to actually invest next fall and get a more sturdy pair of warm comfy boots!

I'm out! smooches

::PAUSE::

I feel like I'm having an elipses moment

I'm nowhere near being done with this semester but in light of the fact that we have exactly 3 weeks of classes left and I just completed another major project and am feeling comfortable (about 45% done) with another major project, I'm having an 'exhale' moment.

Not a break, not time to rest, nor let out the breath or even sleep, just an ...

because there is definitely more to go!!

smooches!

moving...again?!?!?

Well the past two weeks have been interesting to say the least. I've put in a request to my landlords, about a week ago, to prematurely terminate my lease. This request went with a thumping heart and a million prayers as I know that there were a couple ways that letter could have been received and of those ways, more than half were negative! :sigh:

Well, full of class and grace, my wish has been granted under one circumstance, the house gets sold/rented before I leave. So as of last week Monday, the house is now on the market and once a prospective person(s) signs the contract, then my contract is terminated- IMMEDIATELY.

Quite the interesting predicament huh? Well a little background so you can understand what drove me to such a drastic decision:

1. finances: we aren't begging or selling but we aren't doing as well as we were a couple months ago when we had two full incomes and one set of bills. There were some disappointments regarding scholarships and financial opportunities at the beginning of the semester that I had no control over so we just 'rolled with the punches' and now realize that these punches are hurting! :-) I would do anything now to decrease some strain on my husband who takes his job as 'provider' very very seriously!!!

2. distance: I've mentioned I'm getting awesome exercise walkng to and from school and honestly, I'm ok with it. EXCEPT at 5pm or later once the sun begins to set and the normal walk becomes a safety risk...single female walking street in dark on same route at least 3 times per week...hmmm I know I watch too many crime dramas on tv (I'm addicted) but the reality is, despite my feelings of safety in this area, there is always a potential risk and I should be constantly aware of it. Now that I had a nice reminder about this 2 weeks ago (I'll spare you the details-nothing serious but creepy), it's more of an issue than it was before. I didn't even mention the impending winter that's approaching and how this 1/2 hr walk will soon become brutal when I'm faced with the elements: snow, wind, ice, slush... NOT. FUN. ANYMORE

3. opportunity: I wasn't looking for a new place. let me put that out there... but like life, tons of opportunities blow your way once you are in a situation (eg have a job, have a home etc). Where were all these awesome vacant, reasonable, clean and close apartments when I was looking???? well apparently, right where they are now! I just had no clue of the area and where and how to look etc. But on a serious note, a friend/classmate somehow decided to ask on my behalf (without me even knowing) and found that the 2 bd apartment next to theirs (share an indoor duplex), was vacant with a price that beat what I currently pay and inclusive of utilities...which I currently pay! ahhhhhhh that had my head spinning for at least 3 days before I fully processed. I would be saving anywhere from $300 per month if I were to move. ahhhhhhhh and I wouldn't have to stress about a car because this place was 15 mins closer to school and closer to more convenient stores etc. and NO LEASE. which now I'm more appreciative of especially since I'll possibly be moving at an awkward time.

4. companionship: this is the last on the list and the least practical reason to break a legal binding contract but in my heart, is the first on the list. I would be literally a step away from two wonderful women who have slowly become friends and then a block away from other classmates/friends. WOW. this offers me some human contact outside of class days... that idea alone floats my heart. what can I say- I love my independence but I love being around people I care about more! This provides the best of both worlds!

So those 3 (ok...4) reasons drove me to write that letter and request to be released. I didn't quite expect this response but its fair and workable...but it's also very sporadic or unplanned. That is, I have no clue when someone is gonna make an offer/close/sign. Furthermore, I kinda wanted to be out here as of December when I leave for break, to start a new life in January. I'm going to be gone for about 3 weeks...what if I don't pack up before I leave and something happens and people want in the house beginning of month? I don't return until January 11th...and would be DISTRAUGHT if I have to leave Nassau on 'emergency' to come and move.

So the plan is to move before I lofe. Of course, moving means paying deposit on new apartment and confirming move in date before I even have move out date confirmed. ACK. can you say...drive me cazy?

I'm prayerfully waiting...quietly to just get some direction. The best scenario is for something to happen now or within the next 2 weeks so I'll know clearly to move and I just be 'homeless' i.e live on my new neighbors' couch for the last couple days I'm here but life is so funny...those 'best scenarios' rarely play out.

If you've got an extra prayer- lift one up on my behalf please. for wisdom. and also I'm praying for a quick turnover of this house. I don't mind (although I would love not to) paying December rent which is due in 2 weeks but I really really really want to start January fresh and paying only one rent!

Lord, I know you are there..you've heard me, you know my heart, and you my predicament. I quiet my heart to hear from you. I know you have my best at heart and is working everything out for my good. I love you. I also lift up everyone that passes through this page - let your Spirit become real to them, may their greatest need be met and know that it is YOU!~ your daughter, Gia

Happy Sunday!!!!!!!

Fried Dry!

my brain on stats!

Remember the early 90's anti-drug commercials with the eggs. "This is your brain"...scrambled eggs = "This is your brain on drugs".

Well that above kinda looks like how my brain feels. I've had a restless past two nights due to my dreams being invaded by my statistics assignment. Every time I feel like I'm moving forward and I understand and "I can do this", the wind gets knocked out of me!

I'm seriously tired. I think I will turn in for the night and start fresh again in a couple hours...

smooches

A new way?

I'm no Einstein, nor do I consider myself creative or 'smart'...but I wanted a more effective way to clean my hair- moreso my scalp while in braids without having to immerse my entire head in water.
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The last time I wore braids, I got the idea to use the color applicator bottle to apply conditioner directly to my scalp and then I would lather with my fingers...well this time around, I decided to incorporate a toothbrush (soft bristle) in my arsenal of cleaning tools while I'm braided up.
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Same as before: the color applicator bottle holds diluted conditioner which is squirted on scalp, then toothbrush 'scrubs' scalp working a nice lather..all this time my hair is in a loose ponytail (shown in picture below). Then I rinse bottle out, pouring leftover conditioner in the spray bottle and filling applicator bottle with clean water and then I commence squirting again to rinse scalp. I'm not too upset if some of my hair gets wet...its inevitable but having it 'kinda' wet and having it sopping wet are two completely different scenarios. I'll take the former over the latter anyday...especially being in Canada when I don't have the warm air to dry quickly.

note: I'll use the leftovers in the spray bottle later this week when I want to 'spritz' my hair...

The only thing I found there were some areas where my 'rinsing' wasn't done completely and this will add buildup around the root of the braid..so you want to be careful about that...maybe dilute conditioner even more? Mine was kinda thick.

I don't have to worry about actually washing my 'hair' because I'm not afraid of buildup since I'm only using water, Greg Juice by Oyin Handmade and/or Hairveda butter which are all natural (made from natural products) and so my hair should be fine until I decide to actually wash the entire thing!

enjoy the rest of the weekend!

smooches

"Mushiness"

I'm having a "I love being in love" evening. I guess overall I'm in a good mood because as I was walking home, I was singing and bopping to random songs in my head. I walked in the house realizing that its less than a month that I'll be seeing my hunny again and I guess that set the mood... I started singing this song

This song wasn't used at all for our wedding..and looking back, I wonder why...hmm anyway i love love love it nonetheless and just am so happy and grateful for being a wife to my wonderful husband. yes tooo cheesy. I know.

On a less cheesy but still 'lovey' note, this Monday I received the jewels for that DIY project I mentioned here and just keep looking at them.

They are realllllly small and it just seems overwhleming. Furthermore, it took almost 3 weeks to get delivered here and I just realized that I need to order more 'stuff' in order to make the actual topper. I definitely have to make a decision within the next three days what I'm going to do because my time is running out quickly! The wedding is in 29 days and I can't disappoint

Its not about me!

"In the midst of it all, God will prove to be your strength....these are the times you realize its not about your well preparation or lack thereof, but that God will prove Himself strong in your life..."

I count myself blessed, not only because of material stuff...but mainly because of the support system I have. I'm surrounded by the most encouraging and sensitive people! Its crazy because the encouragement sometimes comes off rough but its all what i need, when I need.

The quote I opened this post with is from a very dear friend. I was sharing this morning about my current state and tmy reasoning as to why I am such a mess. My theory is because I didn't know what to expect, especially given some last minute unknowns and changes, I wasn't mentally prepared to handle all this thus leaving me in an almost constant state of "overwhelmedness"!



I wanted to share this because there may be someone else who can use this word. Sometimes God allows situations to 'blind sight' us, because it forces us to trust Him and in trusting Him, He can show himself strong. Be encouraged.

Selah!

Not quite done with shopping!

So remember how I mentioned that I didn't do as well on my previous two assignments...well apparently, I was missing the holy grail of research papers/journal writeups and its this blue book! It's not always been blue...I had one (or shared one with my roomie) when I did this grad school thing 5+ years ago and it was black and not quite as important then as it is now...You see I'm in an APA/CPA (American/Canadian Psychological Association) approved program thus the APA manual is way more useful now... makes sense right? Not sure why I didn't purchase it from the beginning of the semester...

This little bad boy...my new backpack. I searched long and hard for the perfect backpack and although I haven't seen it yet (in real life)- I know I'll be happy. It's a long story behind this purchase but lets just say- I happened to use a backpack this past week and ended up with no shoulder/back pains after walking from school. All along, I've been using regular one shoulder totes to carry my books and have been plagued with body aches. So this is my new "padded straps, multi-compartment with organizer and mesh side pockets for water" backpack that cost a whopping $10 ($20.50 with shipping). Original price- $82!

my boots!!!!!!!! yea, I was like..poo-poo on payless after I started browsing ebay and saw the great selection for much cheaper. Now these probably aren't as functional as the payless pair but they are UBER cute and reasonable ($25 +$8 shipping) so I can live with this. I don't anticipate there being a lot of snow before I leave on the 17th for Christmas break considering the roughest part of winter is usually in January so I'm thinking I should be fine. I will be on the lookout during my travels over the breaks for another pair of boots--one that's more functional (and hopefully just as cute) that withstand walking in slush and ice. I expect it will cost way more cause I'll need real leather, waterproof with some kind of threading/grips on the bottom and I'm hoping that if I wait for after-Christmas I may be able to catch a good sale...If I'm even more lucky, the sidewalks will all be cleared and salted whenever I have to walk to and from school! I do crack myself up..but what's life without some crazy faith!

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For good measure, I did throw in one pair of the jeans from Forever 21 that I mentioned in the last post...I only got one since the book took the money I had for the 2nd pair.

All this occurred this late last night and this morning...fun times right?

.

Happy Sunday!

smooches

I am ready for....

....winter!

freshly braided

I've done my clothes/shoe shopping and am pretty ready for the snow, ice and wind! Can't say I'm looking forward to either of those three elements but it comes with the territory so no need to grumble, mumble or complain!

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Now my 'baby' i.e. my hair also needed to get ready for her first winter in this chemical-free state. When I completed my Undergrad in Minnesota from 2000-2002, I was relaxed and really didn't give two-hoots about my hair. My hair was healthy even though I did whatever I felt to it without rhyme or reason. Now, I'm older, wiser (so I'd like to think) and definitely want to take a more protective approach to my hair since I know the cold can sometimes be a challenge. Since starting this natural routine, I've been conscientious about moisturizers and using them regularly on my hair and of course that's even more important in the dry and cold temperatures.

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With wool, fleece and other materials that make up hats, scarves and the insides of hoods for warmth, it's going to be interesting how I keep these kinks all moisturized. I opted to start this winter journey with kinky twists as pictured above. I've had them in before and had an overall 'ok' experience with them. I don't get too excited cause there are some down sides--more annoying aspects of having them in and #1 on that list is I can't wash my hair as often. My hair has already started fuzzing through the braids and its only been one week and no water has even touched my hair yet...the more fuzzier, the more 'older' the braids look and that's not always necessarily cute. Not washing my hair as often also means tolerating an itchy scalp and that's one of my biggest pet peeves...

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This particular experience has started crappy because my sides were put in tighter than usual (even though it didn't feel that way when they were getting braided) and up to Wednesday of this week, I still couldn't pull the braids in certain directions without wincing in pain. Furthermore, I've got the little bumps around my hairline. NOT CUTE. I was THIS close to taking them out but I'm gonna hold out a bit. I paid $35 + cost of hair to get this style. Now that isn't anything to 'break the bank' but still enough to motivate me to keep this style until Thanksgiving- when I return home for a wedding. I had actually planned to just get the sides retouched for the wedding and keep the braids until December but our relationship hasn't gotten off to a good start so I'm not too sure about that original plan.

Here I am with them styled...

I'm all ready with Oyin's Greg Juice as a water-based moisturizer and my beloved Hairveda's Whipped Gelly moisturizer. I've got other stuff in the arsenal although not sure if and how those will be included. I've got to get me a color applicator bottle quickly! When I have braids, I usually use those bottles to get the water/conditioner to my scalp for cleansing purposes and that kinda helps to 'keep' the braids because I don't have to actually put water on the entire head of hair.

I'm gonna play around with styles in another couple days once the tightness wears off and I'll have more pics to show!

smooches!

Mid-semester report

So I haven't given any updates on school in awhile...mainly because there wasn't much to say. I've got a lot of reading and a couple assignments but this semseter is mainly about getting my act together, i.e. getting research ideas together for next semester when I prepare to begin my thesis. The classes we are taking now are all fundamental to this goal...

Well in the past 2 weeks I've handed in 2 assignments and submitted another today and I'm disappointed. In fact, I fought back tears on both occasions that I reviewed my grades because neither were up to my standards...I've always been an "A" student and can literally count on one hand the classes from my undergrad and previous grad experience (together) where I didn't meet this personal challenge.

The tricky part is before this program, my standards were self-inflicted, however, now the stakes are higher simply because I must maintain a 3.5 average and above in order to keep my scholarship(s). Heaven help me if I lose my scholarship because unlike Melanie from The Game- I don't have an NFL player for a boyfriend/husband or even a good friend. (lol)

I have managed to 'calm myself down' in the sense that after looking at the feedback from the dreaded Stats assignment, I really couldn't have done better. I had no experience with the type of question that was given (write up report for a journal article-APA format) and despite asking for clarification of what she was looking for from the professor and actually understanding the material, I floundered when it came to delivering in the format that was expected. Ultimately I lost a lot of points and that sucks because there are only three assignments for the class. This means, for the other two assignments I need to get at minimum a 95% in order to actually get an "A" in this class.

The other assignment...I only lost 3.5 points but when its out of 20 those points are IMPORTANT!

All-in-all, I expect I will do better on the other assignments for these two classes for two reasons. #1. I now know what is expected of me and how the work is being graded and #2. I have a greater 'support network'. After talking with classmates, I was "admonished" that we need to work together more...not "sharing answers" but reading through each other's work to proofread, offer 'fresh eyes' and basically pick up on those small stuff that can lead to lost points.

In the end...I've accepted and moved on. I learned an important lesson a long time ago in undergrad from a friend- and right now, I'm just proud that I'm still on top of my work load and I understand and can apply everything I've read thus far. Because ultimately, when I'm working on that research study, no one will care what grade I got- they want to know that I understand the fundamentals of design, measurement and execution...

smooches!

Great Deals!

I mentioned earlier in the week that I actually found some good deals when I went shopping. I spent about $200 and walked away with a jacket, 2 sweaters, pair of boots, and a couple shirts for layering. Those were the 'necessities'- I also managed to sneak in some products from Bath & Body Works and couple other odds'n'ends from sale racks in Old Navy.

Columbia Insulated All-Weather Jacket...paid $48 (orig price- $180ish)

mine is a bit different than this one

Old Navy Sweater (I got 2 in different colors) for $15ish..original price was $25.50 (I think)

Sketchers greay suede boots with wedge heel (orig- $80ish; I paid $50)

As usual, I never walk away from a shopping trip without finding something else to buy at the next occasion...here are my two remaining 'must haves' for the winter!

Skinny Jeans from Forever 21 for $12.50

I found these when I was wasting time and window shopping 2 weeks ago during my layover in Ft Lauderdale. I bought a pair then and love them..and now I've found another 3 colors that I must have. I'm thinking serious about ordering online just to make sure I can secure my size at this awesome price! :)

and somehow I still haven't managed to secure these...I'm thinking these will be my winter boots. got nice traction on the bottom, lil 'fur' on the inside and were comfy! leaning toward also purchasing online and just paying for shipping...although I'm waiting to see if the price will decrease by the end of the month!

smooches!

Beautiful Flower

There is nothing in the world you cannot do when you believe in you...India.Arie

Its Monday!

I'm "home" trying to warm the house up. The rest of the weekend was fabulous and I really enjoyed myself. I awoke to a surprise on Sunday morning when I looked out the windows and saw a layer of frost/snow on the ground, rooftops and trees. Of course, I thought I was freaking out and rubbed my eyes but I saw clearly the first time. It all melted by the time we left the house and yesterday turned out to be a beautiful day besides the temperature being a bit chilly.

I'm unpacking and getting organized for this week and of course just as I walked in the house I felt the 'loneliness' but today should be busy and I already spoke with the hubby for the morning so that's usually a great pick-me-upper!

I'll have to update later with pics of my new 'hairdo' and shopping details. :)

Something to think on today: "Its not the nature of love to force a relationship but it is the nature of love to open the way." ~ WM Paul Young in "The Shack"

smooches

On my way...

back to Canada...

It's amazing how discrepant I feel. On one hand, my heart is literally aching because I'm leaving my husband and won't see, touch or feel his touch again for literally another 6 weeks! However, I enrolled in this doctoral program because I have a goal to reach and I'm seriously ready to be back and get in with classes. So I'm actually kinda sorta looking forward to being back and getting in the swing of things...Of course the bridge to join both is the sooner I get back in class, the sooner I can start crossing off weeks that are completed bringing me closer to my ultimate goal of December 17th!!!!!!

I seriously am just trying to roll with the punches and think/be positive. There is a lot I've got to do between now and graduation..whenever the hec that will be (2014 ish), but I'm seriously excited about being in Canada and in this program. I just began to type "my only regret is..." but can one have regrets about a situation if it involves an aspect that's beyond my control? I don't think so. :shrugs:

But if I may- my only regret is that somehow I couldn't make the world respond to my snap and thus provide my husband with an awesome job that he can enjoy and also grow in while paying him something that can make him feel like "the man"! ;)

Oh well...I'll continue to take it one day at a time. Onto a happier note, I have a classmate, who is slowly becoming a friend, who is picking me up and will allow me to crash at her place overnight because she will take me winter-clothes shopping tommorrow! whooo-hoooooooooooooo!

Nothing like some new clothes...and more importantly new shoes to get my spirits up a little bit. So I'm broke and will be trying to buy a million things with a dollar but it's been done before and I promise to return with evidence that I will do it again!

Now its a pity that I have to actually go "winter clothes shopping" when Autumn has barely just begun but apparently I'm a sucker for extremes because I am born and call home to a country that sits in paradise where we enjoy 90 degree weather possibly all year round....and now I've just temporarily set up house in another country that apparently is boasting low 40 degree temps today and proudly maintains such awful temperatures for about 6 months out of the year! I will count my blessings that the snow has not yet made its appearance in my neck of the woods.

Well, its the weekend again...although its almost over, but I encourage you to enjoy the last minutes of it..hec, my new goal is to just try and enjoy everyday...weekend or workday!

smooches!

Back home...

So I'm back 'home'...and quite happy. I'm enjoying the hubby and the sunshine. I'm also working: on both school work and around the apartment...its amazing the amount of cleaning that need to be done and he's only been here about 10 days! The joys of wife-dom.

Yesterday, my first day here was perfect! We slept in late, ran some errands and then got a popular Bahamian dish for lunch-stew conch. We sat on the beach and enjoyed our food and the perfect weather! I don't have any pictures from yesterday above is a picture of the beach in Savannah Sound, Eleuthera. Below is a picture of the conch shell...the conch (animal/mollusk) lives inside and that is what makes very popular dishes here in the Bahamas as well as around the Caribbean!

picture credited: http://vanishingtattoo.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

So enjoy your weekend as I plan to enjoy the rest of mine!

smooches!

Celebrate

I'm a huge believer in celebrating small victories so this is my lil celebration post...

Today was a good day!

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in fact, yesterday and today were both good days. I've always loved the fall season simply because of the beautiful array of colors and today as I walked to school and in between classes, I was able to truly enjoy the season. It was really cool to walk amidst the leaves and actually have the leaves falling about me. There was no wind factor so walking this morning in 45 degrees didn't feel like 20 degrees (yay), i.e. I was actually able to enjoy the brisk walk!

After classes, I had the pleasure of visiting with classmates and enjoying pumpkin pie ---one of my absolute favorites. The day ended with my walk home in the rain....in cloth shoes. Yea, that was icky but I didn't allow that to kill my spirits. I was a bit freaked out since the thunder was rolling but the rain wasn't heavy enough to leave me soaked..just wet shoes and wet feet so I just walked as quickly as my legs would allow and now I'm trying to get warm.



so that's it...the rest of my evening will consist of laundry, marking papers and finishing my essay. All of which need to be completed tonight...



smooches

DIY project

so its Sunday morning and I'm procrastinating hard!

I've got a small essay to write which is due on Wed and I've got another 30 essays to mark and score also due on Wed..although my personal goal is to complete those today to consult with prof on some plagiarism issues. ugh. yup, I'm the big bad GA. I already spent like 5 hrs on the first 30 essays and seriously just tired of it!

so I'm on the net doing everything except what I should be doing. This includes researching bus routes for Ft Lauderdale since I have a 5hr layover there on Thursday when I travel to go home (whoohooo). I also was able to catch up on some of my favorite blogs...I'm seriously blog addicted...sad. As I'm aimlessly looking through random folders on my laptop, I realized that I really do have a project that I can begin working on in these moments of "not wanting to do school work"!

a very good friend's wedding is in November and I'm returning the favor of being her day-of-coordinator as she was for my wedding last year. Now she is one of those brides who has a varied selection of family and friends who are willing to use their professions/talents as gifts so she literally doesn't need anything major- photographer, cake, dress, decor/flowers, reception site, food, transportation...check check and check!!! good for her right! yup!

so we decided to focus on details and give the basics some 'oomph'. I volunteered to make a monogrammed cake topper. something similar to this...

Now this sounded great when I offered almost 3 months ago but now that I'm car-less and I haven't seen any craft stores within walking distance, this project is seemingly too much...but I refuse to let her down.

so that's what I'm gonna do today- figure out how to work this problem out. luckily for me, I have awesome friends who have done this before so I'll probably be hollering at them for some help!

here she is with me, this is the only picture I have with her...she did an awesome job and was so focused even though she had spent the night with a sick baby!

and here she is getting handsome ready...although this facial expression isn't doing much for his 'handsome-ness'! lol

Enjoy your Sunday

smooches!

not quite Superwoman...

I'm sure we all can remember Karen White's song: Superwoman. Just sitting here, I can envision myself with the brush or pot spoon or whatever I could substitute as a microphone and singing to the top of my lungs while twisting and snapping my neck (for attitude):

"I'm not your superwoman...oh no no no no. I'm not the kind of girl that you can let down and think that everythings OK. boy I am only human..."

OK so you get the point. :) I thoroughly enjoyed that song and now I'm referencing it at a very low point in my life. No, my husband isn't taking me for granted...in fact, no one is.

Ashamedly, I am taking "me" for granted. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense...But somehow in my head, I thought that I could handle it all. I got stuck on this very messed up thought that I actually do have a big "S" on my chest and my shoulders are made of steel and although I feel emotion (I acknowledge that), I'm still invincible. I'm strong. I'm woman!

well honestly, deep inside I knew that was fraudulent but that's how I wanted the world to see me (and that includes hubby).

well its all crashing down...I can't hold it together, I can't fake "its okay", my shoulders hurt and they are weak and tired and my "S" is faded.

I'm sure this is all the emotional wear and tear of everything that is going on but its quite unnerving. I'm seriously feeling like a wuss...out of control and I hate this!!! ugh.

I'm lonely. I'm scared. and I just wanna go home.

Grad school is all that I expected and more. Honestly, I can handle it...the work load is doable with good planning and time management but I don't think I can do it alone and that's all I feel right now. ALONE. I know its only been 5 days since my husband left but I don't remember another set of 5 days that's been this rough in my adult life. Sure I remember the first time being in the dorm in undergrad after my parents left and how that felt and then 2 years later moving to another state for masters program and being in the house with a stranger and how that felt. Both scenarios held a degree of loneliness and uncertainty about the future but I remember being able to shake that off within a matter of days (if not by the next day).

yes, yes...I know this too shall pass...but maybe its not supposed to pass. Should I have to tackle such a huge project alone? Isn't that why people get married, so they don't have to tackle life's challenges without a partner? How much time should I give this current arrangement before declaring an end...and going back home? will I feel differently after another week alone or maybe a month? Will I get used to not being with the man that I've pledged my heart, soul and body to? Do I want to get used to not being with him? I can deal with a week, a month..but the uncertainty of it all is killing me.

background: Before D left, we had a conversation about this arrangement, since I already started panicking and freaking out...and I was told that I need to get it together because he isn't planning on transitioning here for another 2 years. Do I really have to look forward to two years of physical separation by choice? It certainly was my choice to pursue this doctorate, my dream...not his. so should I just say 'screw it' and head back?

maybe I'm being dramatic..and I hope so. I hope this is a phase...

and no this is NOT a pity party. I don't like those. :) this is just me needing to vent. to get this off my chest...to 'think' aloud. so no need to feel pity for me. I will be OK. I've got a choice to make: stay here and thug it out or go back home. Neither decision better than the next...but in the meantime I acknowledge that God is constantly with me (even in the dark moments) and He is my strength, my peace, my joy. I just need to continue to lean on Him and draw from Him.

I don't know what I'm going to do...well, I do. Here's the plan: I'm definitely here until I complete at least one semester. I know time will heal some of the pain that the loneliness bring and also change in situations will help with the other issues. eg. getting a car will allow me more freedom to move about and socialize, get involved with a church, hang with classmates....have something more than a laptop, t.v. and stationary bike to look forward to 5 days out of the week!

So everyday, I just plan to take it as it comes. yesterday was too tough to handle the entire day, so I took it hour by hour. today was better...I could handle the entire day although the thought of another day alone (tomorrow) makes me depressed again. :shudders: So I've just made 'fun' points throughout my day today that I looked forward to and now I've gatta finish reading within the next hour. my last "treat" for today is a cheesy movie that comes on at 9pm.

smooches!

Father's Love Letter

From the first time I stumbled upon this love letter almost 8 years ago, I've been touched and just overwhelmed with the pureness of the love I'm receiving...I pulled it up this morning for quiet time and thought I'd share...

Selah

sad day...

Well I knew it was coming and now its here. I just kissed my hunny goodbye! On a positive note, because of the holidays (thanksgiving) and the University's schedule, I get almost 2 weeks off beginning next week Thursday so I will be flying home for an almost 2 week stay...


but on the other hand the reality that we are now officially a long distance couple AGAIN sucks. like big time. I know its only for a season but I really hope this season doesn't last as long as he's proposing it may. I'll take it semester by semester I guess. and when that gets too hard, I'll have to go week to week....then day by day. I'll be fine.


Overall, I'm truly blessed because tickets are very reasonable (as low as $320 round trip) so with some good planning its not really expensive to come and go..but what about the days and nights in between those rendezvous?


The day is still young and I haven't shed a tear yet and I'm hoping I don't breakdown, I just want to bask in the glow of this month and the fact that he was here being supportive and adding to my reservoir of strength for such a huge move.


Remember me cause I don't know how strong this superwoman is when it comes to being separated from her husband but I'm sure gonna give it a try.


Here we are from our outing Sat night...

smooches!

Hair Porn....

so hair like this makes me drool...

Afro City...picture was first seen on NewlyNatural...

how many more months until my hair can look like that!!!!!!!!!

goal #1: first chic's hair (l-r). I'm thinking, my fro shown above which was taken today can get to that proportion by my birthday (april)...

what you think????

smooches!

a powerful reminder

There is nothing you will ever do that will make God love you more than He does right now.
There is nothing that you will ever do that will make God love you less than He does right now.

God’s love is unconditional. It's not based on what you do or don't do.

taken from Purpose Driven Connection

There are certain truths that I like to be reminded of every now and again...keeps me grounded and renews some sense of purpose and even passion to my life---even in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

The Father's Love.... is one of those truths...for me to fully grasp the extent....

SIMPLY.WOW!

selah

Itchy Scalp?

What's more annoying right????

My scalp is flaking! ugh. From since I cut my hair in Jan, I haven't had to worry about dry scalp because of the increase in washing and all the oils/products I would put on my hair...however, the air here is much dryer than my beloved humid air of the islands and in under a month, I've got a new issue to address...


Background: Before educating myself on all things hair- I lived by grease because I've always struggled with dry scalp, however, it was usually manageable only really flaring up after a relaxer so I haven't really had to deal with finding a substitute since leaving the creamy crack . I used a light "grease" by KeraCare that made my scalp tingle (loved it) but after using all, I never re-ordered because of the mineral oil...

now my dilemma is even intensified because even after doing research and finding an alternative product (which I haven't done yet), I have 1. no transportation to hunt it down and 2. I require international shipping which is usually in excess of $10 added to a bill, so if I purchased something more natural online, I'll probably be spending an arm and a leg! I'm thinking I'll start with accessible oils...maybe something like coconut oil that usually worked well with my hair (not too heavy) and apply to my scalp a couple times per week...

any suggestions?

Welcome to the family!

Two cool additions to the Jones' life:

my new 'neighbor'....this little thing just sat and made noises and stared at me as if I was in his 'space'. :)

from my wish list: my beloved stationary bike...although this is more of an elliptical than bike. i snagged it on clearance for $130 (orig: $370). I haven't consistently been on it though...between the walking to/from school and just being plain ole tired (and sick), my energy level has been really low.

and because I'm vain...here I am trying out a wrap...I have it thicker and more 'ethnic' looking..at least that's what I thought. I'm sure if I was home, I would have had more than one reference to being someone's African Queen...

we did go shopping on Thursday and I managed to snag myself a couple blouses and jeans on clearance at Old Navy, a pair of sneakers and 2 other comfy shoes and a couple scarves (even one for my head!)

of course, no shopping event is complete without finding something else to purchase (at the next designated time)...so here's what's new to my wish list..

I'm not sure how I'm gonna pull this one off...its $45 in the States...however in Canada its $75. Now you feel my pain! I walked through the mall and literally only came home with those 7 items mentioned above. Totally unlike me.
smooches!

getting in gear...

So today marks exactly a week since classes began... and although life has gotten better, its still fairly quick paced and sometimes I'm just all over the place which does nothing to help my sense of getting 'settled'. i.e. randomly encountering headaches throughout the past couple days. I seriously do need to find some relaxation techniques...short and easy so that I don't have to take too much time from reading to do it! any thoughts?

My first unofficial assignment (not class related)... is a scholarship application that's due next Wed. As with most applications, this one requires quite a bit of stuff, including describing a research study proposal that I plan to conduct in the 2010-2011 school year in a concise essay format. Easy right? WRONG. Prior to this week, I have not given much thought to personal research mainly because I wanted to get reaquainted with the principles of research and statistics first. oh well. This is definitely one of those times where my calendar is certainly clashing with the real world's....

Wednesdays at 7pm also marks the beginning of my not-fun-because-i'm-not-allowed-a-social-life long weekend. I don't have class again until Tuesday. Although I'm sure most Wednesday's I'll be in a vegetative state after sitting through classes from 9am - 7pm with only 2.5 hrs break in between. Today in actuality, wasn't that bad and I actualy had a half hour meeting that took away from my 'break'.

The rest of my battles...I've laid to rest. I've gotten over the fact that we don't have a license -insurance-car and won't have any of those elements in place before Friday morning when we turn in the very expensive rental car. So I'll get my heart pumping and blood flowing with a nice brisk walk to and from campus (and anywhere else I need to go). I even had my first test-run on Tuesday. I clocked it in exactly 25mins, however my pace wasn't consistent considering half way through because I started to break a sweat (and that's not cute) and my ankles started hurting (which they normally do when I wear flip flops and do a lot of walking). I anticipate the side effects of walking will be greater since I didn't have any books on my shoulder during this walk...based on classes thus far, I need anywhere from 2 books per class session! So my number one priority right now is to secure myself some good walking shoes...comfort being key. I don't care if they are bright yellow but they need to support me as I walk and not give me blisters etc.

how about these?

NOT.

tommorrow we'll go shopping just because its my last opportunity for a little while and I'll stock up on groceries and hopefully find a pair of sneakers. Of course, since it seems Fall temps are creeping in, I will have to throw in at least one cute scarf and maybe a sweater...

Overall, I really am feeling more positive and mentally in gear to handle this semester now that I know all that is expected from me! Well....I'm out-hopefully I'll get a neck rub from the hubby while I eat dinner.

smooches!

Just a thought....

I'm trying to be grateful and patient in this time of change and adjustment...I passed this plaque everyday since I moved here and never seen it 'till this morning. This will be my Saturday meditation as I stop and realize that I am living a blessed life!

smooches!